There are some days where I can't even afford a cup of coffee. I'm not talking about overpriced Starbucks, but regular shit-kicking coffee. If you can't afford that, then you're not qualified for a lot of things. So, the anxiety kicks in, that nasty feeling in my gut. It feels just like those moments before a fight, when I know you're going to get your ass kicked. It's not as graceful as butterflies. Honestly, I wish it were as simple as a fight because, win or loss, once you do it, it's over. You can go back to your regularly schedule program.
Unfortunately, being broke is like getting tossed in a marathon you didn't properly train for. The same could be said for my career in the arts. I attended art school, but I can honestly say that I'm self taught. They don't prepare you for the marathon because, well... that's where the marathon starts. Right in bloody enrollment, but I can talk about that forever.
The point is, I have so many ideas and projects that I want to work on, but the necessities keep distracting me. There's the need for a full time position at whatever-the-fuck incorporated, or maybe even part time over at Soul Suck Warehouse (a good title for a porno, actually). Desperation kicks in and I'm filling out all sorts of applications and kicking over chairs when I see a lovely fit that requires a degree. Overall, it's a shitty experience being me. It's so shitty, in fact, McDonald's is not even remotely interested.
The only thing I can do is endure. I'm still working on my projects, but they're at the pace of a snail. Job applications... Hell, I just filled out a few and even joined up with a creative staffing joint. Not sure if any of these things will bear fruit, but it's something. I just want this to be over. I'm at the point where I need to see some real gains just for the sake of morale. I need to see results.
To me, that's a small thing to ask.
Current Jam ►
Ananda by Animaya